Local Mysteries

I promised positivity so I have managed to find a silver lining in each circumstance.

Why is shopping for clothes in this country a lot like trying to ignore a creepy guy in a bar?

The moment you walk into a store, number 32 appears and asks seductively, “ya getting thru?” Getting through the doorway? Yes, I managed that.

What I would prefer, “Hi, welcome to “store name” we have sales on “blah, blah and blah, my name is blah if you need any help.”

What we get? Nothing short of a stalker, following your every move, continuing to let you know that when you get to the register tell them number 32 helped you. If by help, you mean studied the silhouette of my body, suggested heinous options, breathed down the back of my neck and possibly pick pocketed me, then yes, number 32 did in fact help me.

How do you get annoying clerks off your back? Ask for a pair of jeans that are “not skinny.” One of two things will happen. They will either tell you they don’t have any and leave you for dead trying to find a pair, or they will search high and low for a few minutes giving you enough time to hide behind the pants rack and wait it out. At this point, keep your eyes on the floor and do not make any further eye contact. Do not make any sudden movements. Do not reach for anything higher than you are capable of reaching. Do not initiate conversation or make any requests. Most importantly, do NOT turn around, they might still be lurking…….

Silver lining: I spend way less money on clothes and I get to play a game of hide and seek in which I always win and no one knows I am playing.

Why should purchasing daily coffee be a punishing experience?

Let me refer to this local coffee establishment as a Starbucks wannabe.  The staff has the talent to carry on a phone conversation that lasts clear through the hours of operation via earpiece while staring into your soul as you place your heavily inconvenient order. They can’t however, make an iced beverage. Why must we either have it hot or blended? Am I the only one who finds it warm outside? What happens when you dump ice into a cup of boiling liquid? Correct! It melts! I have walked the staff through this before.

1. Brew single/double shot of espresso.

2. Pour into cup.

3. Add sugar if the guest requests it. Do not point me to the sugar at the end of the counter. Sugar will not dissolve in a cold beverage and I will end up sucking sugar particles through my straw and being forced to snack on them.

 4. Add cold milk.

5. Add ice and put a lid on it. Done.

You know why the Starbucks staff is so happy? They drink the coffee!!! What do you think of a restaurant where the staff does not eat the food? There is no possible way that the staff of this establishment is drinking the coffee.

Silver lining: I save money by making my coffee at home and in the odd event that I do order an iced beverage at this establishment, I teach one more barista something they should have learnt on day one of training.

Last but not least………dear sweet MovieTowne. I love your popcorn. I would just about see any movie to experience your warm, buttery, popped perfection. But WHAT is up with your concession line?? Thirty minutes is absolutely ridiculous. Like a true addict, I leave home extra early and anticipate the wait just to get a fix. I start to cold sweat and my mouth waters. Eeek! Fourth in line and movie starts in five minutes!  Ahhhhhh what to do? I can wait, I can wait, positive self talk. I recite the order in my head a few times, “one regular popcorn and a water.” “Oh my gosh, Dasani or Blue Waters?” The Dasani bottle used to fit better in the cup holder but now they are the same shape! “Oh no! I’ll just wing it.” I recover.  Don’t worry dear MovieTowne, I would never bad talk you without offering you a solution. Instead of a “cash only” line (which absolutely does not move any faster than the other line) how about this? A line strictly for…..wait for it…….purchases of popcorn, drinks and candy! You’re welcome. In other words, ready made food.

Silver lining: I have learnt to cope with popcorn addiction.

Of all the definitions of a “mystery” this is my favorite:

Mystery (noun) any truth that is unknowable except by divine revelation.

The closest I have come to experiencing divine revelation here on Earth is through latte therapy. When unsolved mysteries far less puzzling than the Bermuda Triangle, the Zodiac Letters, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, The Shroud of Turin and Stonehenge continue to plague you…….think of a solution.....

…………while having a Latte.